I don't like whining, and I don't like to focus on negatives. BUT, Kurt and I started this blog to do our best to give an honest portrayal of his battle with cancer. So, in the interest of honesty....I am exhausted.
We have hit a rough patch, and we are both pretty wrecked. Kurt is in chronic pain, between the inflammation in his liver from the SIR-Spheres, back pain that has been bothering him since Montana, and now a newly diagnosed ulcer. The kidney issue still isn't resolved, but that doesn't seem to be causing him pain. He isn't sleeping very well, and is taking a lot of medicines to try to manage the side effects. This just really sucks right now.
I should be better at all this by now. I get impatient with Kurt, which makes me feel terrible. I can't make him feel better, so I am just helpless and watching him hurt. We don't get to go out much, so I feel isolated and alone. Kurt is doing his best to work as much as he can, but between the pain and the chemo brain, it is hard to maintain a schedule. I know that he is 100 times more exhausted than I am. Chronic pain is just debilitating.
So, Kurt is going in for an endoscopy on Thursday to figure out what to do about the ulcer. Friday should be a chemo day, if the bloodwork shows that his liver can take it. I know -- I KNOW -- that this is the dark before the dawn, the sprint to the finish. I know that pushing hard to knock out this cancer is our best chance at putting this disease behind us. But it is difficult right now. I felt like sharing this part of the experience....felt like we needed to be honest about this journey.
10 comments:
Jen & Kurt! Thank you so much for being so honest. I know you both are hurting. I have no new words of wisdom or etc. We all need to just keep keeping on -- the two of you, of course, but also all the supporters, prayers, encouragers, etc. I am going to double up on my prayer time. Is there anything at all that I can do, Kurt & Jen? Anything -- I pray that your body, Kurt, will reject anything that is foreign to it. Waging WAR is so hard, but I am praying super STRENGTH & WISDOM for you and especially praying REST for you. When you can, go back and read some of those encouraging scriptures on healing. I know the Lord took our pain -- He suffered so much for us, too. Let's keep on believing & NEVER QUIT!! My heart aches for you, and I believe that GOD will give you SUPERNATURAL power and healing! PERFECT LOVE Casts out fear! GOD IS WORKING in you, Kurt, even when it looks as though He's forgotten us. He hasn't and HE LOVES YOU!! Keep walking in perfect LOVE to anyone you meet, so the Supernatural healing and Love of God can flow. Jen, please let me know what I can do for you!! We are holding you up, too , to be a tower of strength for Kurt!
Rest in the LORD; sounds religious, but I mean it -- keep your mind stayed on HIM! Think about the healing you're receiving. There is a verse in the New Test., I think, that says "Thou wilt keep him in Perfect Peace, whose mind is stayed on thee". I'm right now asking God to give you that Peace that passes understanding. In all the trials, HE STILL GIVES PEACE< IF we but ASK!! I love you and GOD LOVES YOU EVEN MORE!!
G'ma D
thank you so much jen, for your honesty. i can not even imagine what you are going thru as a caregiver and #1 support for kurt. we knew this was going to be a tough fight once kurt started the sphere regimen, just didn't know how tough. keep focusing on the big picture and getting thru one battle at a time. and ask for help, just like you asked for help by posting this blog about your struggles. there is a huge army of support out there, but i know that doesn't help much at 2am when neither of you are sleeping. as kurt's dealing with the pain from all the things that have been ravaging his body for the past year and a half, you're the one to clean up after him, and you're doing all you can to make him more comfortable. take 15 minutes and go for a walk, just to breathe, and re-focus, and meditate. i'm typing thru my tears now; just wish i could bear some of kurt's pain for him. as a mom, being so far away and not being able to help is awful. Until we get out there in a few weeks, all i can do is let you know i love you, and i love kurt, and i'm sending up prayers 24/7. trying to get thru each day without dissolving in tears from the frustration of helplessness. keep digging deeper, you are strong and a huge blessing to kurt, and to me. keep looking forward to your colorado trip and reconnecting with your siblings. just a few more days, and they will be with you both to help with whatever they can, and to share your pain, and encourage you both. you are an amazing woman, and i am blessed to have you in my life. thank you. ~mom
Hang tough, you guys, this is a marathon....but one you'll win for certain! You're in our thoughts and prayers always!
~Cynthia in MT
Oh Jen & Kurt! You guys have been so strong through this all. And you've been so strong towards us and everyone that reads your blog. Even people that I've sent the link to your blog have read it and are endlessly amazed at your strength and positive attitude. We are so thankful for your strength and for sharing this time of weakness. That is when we are all here to support you and give you strength that you need. You support him endlessly and faithfully, for that I (and everyone else) is so thankful. You have the "job" that is behind the curtain and you are so strong. I can't even find the right words...Just keep believing and listening to those fight songs. We can't wait to see you next week and I know you'll love the time seeing Sara too. It will be awesome. Hopefully then we can all gather up some more WAGING WAR STRENGTH through Wits and Wagers and Wii.
Keep the faith, keep the fight.
Love you lots!
Jennifer - nothing we say or do will take away some of the things you say, think, and feel at this time. Just know that we are 'holding you both very close' as you go thru some of these rough times.
We love you so much . . .
Grandpa Vic & Grannie Channie
Hey Guys, I can only try to imagine what it feels like to be in your shoes. I just want to echo everything else everyone is saying on here. Man we love you guys so much and all of us want to love you and strengthen you in any way we can. I am so glad you get to go to Tim and Kyla's this week. I will pray for a relaxing, rejuvenating time for you guys. Try to play some games and don't let Kurt win all the time. Love you so much and keep fighting! Thank you for being honest. We don't stop until we WIN and Kurt is completely healed! Praying CONSTANTLY for you! Love you! Jay
I can not thank you all enough for these kind words. I am much better today, mostly because of the great support we are getting from all of you. I really appreciate everyone's understanding. It is a little hard to express some of these feelings, and it means a lot to me that I have such great friends and family to listen. I will read these comments over and over, when I need a little boost....so thank you all, very much.
"As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses' hands grew tired, Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. 13 So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.
14 Then the LORD said to Moses, "Write this on a scroll as something to be remembered and make sure that Joshua hears it, because I will completely blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven."
15 Moses built an altar and called it The LORD is my Banner. 16 He said, "For hands were lifted up to the throne of the LORD."
- Exodus 17.
I love how the memory of Amalek was completely blotted out. It was not just Moses and Joshua in the battle. Aaron and Hur were integral parts of the victory.
You are so right to let us know when we need to lift up your hands. I read these comments, and marvel at how good God is to give us all such warriors to one another.
We love you both!
Karla and Joe
Jennifer, we can be the hardest on ourselves. Take some time to be gentle with yourself. All we really have in this world is today. Regrets and guilt just don't have a place in the present. Its important to stay in the here and now and live each day with a grateful heart. Even when the battle gets long and hard, remember that you are never alone, the love of many people are holding you and Kurt up to the power of the Lord.
Kurt and Jennifer, I am saddened to hear that you have hit a difficult time in Kurt's treatment. It doesn't feel right to only say "that my thoughts and prayers are going out to you", which they are, but there should be more. I have no words of comfort, of wisdom, or advice. I would like to share something that Kurt once told me. I had asked him what he most missed when he first moved east to attend college. He said he missed seeing the stars and the night sky because of the many lights in the city. I happen to be a morning person so often am in bed and miss the moon and stars, except during calving when I get up at 2 AM to check on my heifers that are calving. I stop and marvel at the constellations and when I am very fortunate, the Nothern Lights. And I appreciate the moment because it was pointed out to me that many people don't get that opportunity. Thank you Kurt, I am glad that you were home this summer and could gaze upon the night sky. I hope that you both have an enjoyable time at Thanksgiving.
With Love, Karen D
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