I can't believe it has been a year. What a strange, awful, beautiful, bizarre experience. I don't know where to start, other than to say that the English language is so insufficient to express the kinds of emotions I have felt over the last year. Do I miss Kurt? Yes...but "miss" is so inadequate. I ache to have just one more moment with him. Yet, at the same time, I am so happy for him....happy he is cancer-free, home with the Lord, living a new life in Christ.
The last year has been difficult, but again, that word doesn't cut it. How do you express the more horrible sense of loss, co-mingling with such joy and love poured out by family and friends? It is the co-existence of every human emotion I know how to feel, and I just can't quite get the words right. I now know what it feels like to not think I will survive the next hour because the hurt is too big...to then realize I no longer care if I survive the next hour....to the precise moment that the spark, the purpose, the sense of mission returned.
The build up to today was definitely worse than the day itself. Today....it has been a good day, sort of. I have cried a lot, but laughed a lot. I am so happy to tell Kurt stories, to remember his brave fight and amazing spirit. He is my soulmate, my partner, my world....and I am so, so happy to tell you all that death hasn't changed that. Not one bit.
I have steadfastly refused to say that Kurt lost his battle with cancer - in the days right after Kurt died, I didn't fully comprehend why that was so important to me, other than it just didn't seem right. But I get it now. I understand ... on this day, a year ago - Kurt defeated cancer for good, claimed victory over death, and left us all with a lasting legacy of love, laughter, and determination. What a way to go.
I love you, baby. Miss you everyday.
December 13, 2010
January 17, 2010
Memorial sevice - Montana
Thank you to all of you who attended Kurt's memorial service in Geraldine yesterday. The standing room-only crowd is yet another reminder of how many lives Kurt touched.
The service was lovely, and it was very comforting to spend time in the community that has been a second home for 15 years.
Because this blog has always been about candid experiences, I have to tell you that I am dreading this day....the day that the services are over and we are all supposed to move on. As draining as the memorial services are, there is so much comfort in being surrounded by people who love Kurt.
I have not yet decided what to do with this blog, but for now, I am still checking it, so please feel free to continue posting notes, stories, and memories.
The service was lovely, and it was very comforting to spend time in the community that has been a second home for 15 years.
Because this blog has always been about candid experiences, I have to tell you that I am dreading this day....the day that the services are over and we are all supposed to move on. As draining as the memorial services are, there is so much comfort in being surrounded by people who love Kurt.
I have not yet decided what to do with this blog, but for now, I am still checking it, so please feel free to continue posting notes, stories, and memories.
January 5, 2010
Memorial service - Washington DC
Yesterday, we had a wonderful and moving memorial service for Kurt here in Washington. I was so comforted to see so many friends and family ... thank you to all of you who were there.
The Montana services will be held on Jan. 16, as discussed in previous blog posts. Also, Kurt's obituaries have recently run in the Billings Gazette and Great Falls Tribune ~ both are available on the newspapers' websites.
A few of you asked me to post the comments I gave yesterday at Kurt's service, so they are posted after the jump. MORE
The Montana services will be held on Jan. 16, as discussed in previous blog posts. Also, Kurt's obituaries have recently run in the Billings Gazette and Great Falls Tribune ~ both are available on the newspapers' websites.
A few of you asked me to post the comments I gave yesterday at Kurt's service, so they are posted after the jump. MORE
December 17, 2009
Services
Memorial services for Kurt will be as follows:
Jan 4, 2 p.m., Lutheran Church of the Reformation, 212 East Capitol Street, Washington DC
Jan 16, 3 p.m. Community United Methodist Church, Geraldine, Montana
Both services will be followed by refreshments at the churches. We will also have large photo displays at the services ~ if you have pictures you would like to add to the displays, please feel free to bring them.
According to Kurt's wishes, he will be cremated and his ashes will be spread near the family farm sometime in the spring. If you remember, shortly after diagnosis, Kurt went back to the farm for some reflection; you can read that post and see where his ashes will be spread here.
In lieu of flowers, please consider donating to one of the charities discussed in the post below.
Jan 4, 2 p.m., Lutheran Church of the Reformation, 212 East Capitol Street, Washington DC
Jan 16, 3 p.m. Community United Methodist Church, Geraldine, Montana
Both services will be followed by refreshments at the churches. We will also have large photo displays at the services ~ if you have pictures you would like to add to the displays, please feel free to bring them.
According to Kurt's wishes, he will be cremated and his ashes will be spread near the family farm sometime in the spring. If you remember, shortly after diagnosis, Kurt went back to the farm for some reflection; you can read that post and see where his ashes will be spread here.
In lieu of flowers, please consider donating to one of the charities discussed in the post below.
December 15, 2009
Memorials
I am still working on memorial service details, and I hope to have them wrapped up today. I can tell you that there will be both a Washington D.C. service and a Montana service. The Washington service will be in early January; the details of a Montana service are still being worked out.
For those of you who are wanting to send flowers or cards, or just to do something - thank you. Please, in lieu of flowers, and in the spirit of generosity that was so much a part of Kurt's heart, consider making a donation to one of the two organizations listed below. Kurt was a big supporter of both, and it would mean a lot to him to have their work supported. I am leaving town for a few weeks, so there won't be anyone here to receive flowers.
I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation
http://i2y.org/
I2Y is the only organization we found dedicated to cancer in young adults. As you all probably know, esophageal cancer is generally diagnosed late in life; it is unusual for someone as young as Kurt to face it. However, esophageal cancer is on the rise, and that increase is predominately in young men around Kurt's age. Raising awareness about the unique issues young adults face when battling cancer is critical; Kurt and I encountered that lack of knowledge very often. Everything from fertility to long-term side effects to the emotional turmoil....it isn't like pediatric cancer and it isn't like cancer diagnosed late in life. I2Y is working to fill the gap, and Kurt was a fan of the group.
Personal checks can be mailed to I2Y along with a donor form, which can be downloaded here:
http://i2y.com/media/collateral/i2y_donate.pdf
Make sure to put Kurt's name in the memo of the check if you do not use the donor form – I2Y will account for every dollar given in his honor. The mailing address is:
I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation
40 Worth Street
Suite 801
New York, NY 10013
Alternatively, you can donate online through Network For Good. Here is the shortcut link:
http://bit.ly/8SKIo6
Imerman Angels
http://imermanangels.org/index.php
Imerman Angels exists to make sure no one goes through cancer alone. The organization connects people to others battling the same disease, so that cancer fighters have someone who understands the experience. As close as Kurt and I are, there are some parts of his battle against cancer that I just can't understand. Imerman Angels works to bridge that gap by making connections all around the country. Kurt reached out to Imerman Angels often, and was so looking forward to the day when he beat his cancer and could be a cheerleader and supporter for someone else. He wanted a victory story to share with the world. I know he would the work of Imerman Angels to be supported, even if he can't himself.
Donations can be made on-line in memory of Kurt at http://imermanangels.org/make_a_donation/online_donation.php.
Checks, including a note indicating it is in memory of Kurt Owen, can be mailed to:
Imerman Angels
For those of you who are wanting to send flowers or cards, or just to do something - thank you. Please, in lieu of flowers, and in the spirit of generosity that was so much a part of Kurt's heart, consider making a donation to one of the two organizations listed below. Kurt was a big supporter of both, and it would mean a lot to him to have their work supported. I am leaving town for a few weeks, so there won't be anyone here to receive flowers.
I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation
http://i2y.org/
I2Y is the only organization we found dedicated to cancer in young adults. As you all probably know, esophageal cancer is generally diagnosed late in life; it is unusual for someone as young as Kurt to face it. However, esophageal cancer is on the rise, and that increase is predominately in young men around Kurt's age. Raising awareness about the unique issues young adults face when battling cancer is critical; Kurt and I encountered that lack of knowledge very often. Everything from fertility to long-term side effects to the emotional turmoil....it isn't like pediatric cancer and it isn't like cancer diagnosed late in life. I2Y is working to fill the gap, and Kurt was a fan of the group.
Personal checks can be mailed to I2Y along with a donor form, which can be downloaded here:
http://i2y.com/media/collateral/i2y_donate.pdf
Make sure to put Kurt's name in the memo of the check if you do not use the donor form – I2Y will account for every dollar given in his honor. The mailing address is:
I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation
40 Worth Street
Suite 801
New York, NY 10013
Alternatively, you can donate online through Network For Good. Here is the shortcut link:
http://bit.ly/8SKIo6
Imerman Angels
http://imermanangels.org/index.php
Imerman Angels exists to make sure no one goes through cancer alone. The organization connects people to others battling the same disease, so that cancer fighters have someone who understands the experience. As close as Kurt and I are, there are some parts of his battle against cancer that I just can't understand. Imerman Angels works to bridge that gap by making connections all around the country. Kurt reached out to Imerman Angels often, and was so looking forward to the day when he beat his cancer and could be a cheerleader and supporter for someone else. He wanted a victory story to share with the world. I know he would the work of Imerman Angels to be supported, even if he can't himself.
Donations can be made on-line in memory of Kurt at http://imermanangels.org/make_a_donation/online_donation.php.
Checks, including a note indicating it is in memory of Kurt Owen, can be mailed to:
Imerman Angels
400 W. Erie Street, Suite 405
Chicago, IL 60654
Chicago, IL 60654
A donor form for personal checks can be downloaded at http://imermanangels.org/make_a_donation/offline_donation.php.
December 13, 2009
Peace, My Darling
Shortly after 10 p.m. this evening, Kurt went home to be with Jesus. Although my heart is breaking, I know that he is cancer-free and totally at peace. He was a warrior, an absolute spirit of the Lord. All of you know how wonderful of a person he is, and what a hole his passing leaves in all of our lives. Even so, my heart bursts with pride at his courage, spirit, and determination. He was giggling at me even today.
I will make decisions over the coming days about services, etc.
Please know how much you all meant to us during these 15 months, and especially the last two weeks. Kurt marveled every day at the number of people reading and posting, cheering him on through his cancer battle. You all know him to have not one ounce of self-pity. He was humbled by all of your love and support, as am I. Kurt fought a horrible cancer with a spirit of love that has forever changed me, and I suspect many of you as well. He is the love of my life, and I know how much you all loved him as well. Thank you for your friendship and love.
I will make decisions over the coming days about services, etc.
Please know how much you all meant to us during these 15 months, and especially the last two weeks. Kurt marveled every day at the number of people reading and posting, cheering him on through his cancer battle. You all know him to have not one ounce of self-pity. He was humbled by all of your love and support, as am I. Kurt fought a horrible cancer with a spirit of love that has forever changed me, and I suspect many of you as well. He is the love of my life, and I know how much you all loved him as well. Thank you for your friendship and love.
December 12, 2009
Beautiful Day!
It is a beautiful day here in Baltimore! Sunny, clear....chilly, but beautiful.
Kurt is in good spirits today. He is grinning and laughing quite a bit, and when asked how he feels, he just beams and says "Great!" His energy stores are really limited, however, so he is still holding off on visitors.
Kurt is in good spirits today. He is grinning and laughing quite a bit, and when asked how he feels, he just beams and says "Great!" His energy stores are really limited, however, so he is still holding off on visitors.
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