I can't believe it has been a year. What a strange, awful, beautiful, bizarre experience. I don't know where to start, other than to say that the English language is so insufficient to express the kinds of emotions I have felt over the last year. Do I miss Kurt? Yes...but "miss" is so inadequate. I ache to have just one more moment with him. Yet, at the same time, I am so happy for him....happy he is cancer-free, home with the Lord, living a new life in Christ.
The last year has been difficult, but again, that word doesn't cut it. How do you express the more horrible sense of loss, co-mingling with such joy and love poured out by family and friends? It is the co-existence of every human emotion I know how to feel, and I just can't quite get the words right. I now know what it feels like to not think I will survive the next hour because the hurt is too big...to then realize I no longer care if I survive the next hour....to the precise moment that the spark, the purpose, the sense of mission returned.
The build up to today was definitely worse than the day itself. Today....it has been a good day, sort of. I have cried a lot, but laughed a lot. I am so happy to tell Kurt stories, to remember his brave fight and amazing spirit. He is my soulmate, my partner, my world....and I am so, so happy to tell you all that death hasn't changed that. Not one bit.
I have steadfastly refused to say that Kurt lost his battle with cancer - in the days right after Kurt died, I didn't fully comprehend why that was so important to me, other than it just didn't seem right. But I get it now. I understand ... on this day, a year ago - Kurt defeated cancer for good, claimed victory over death, and left us all with a lasting legacy of love, laughter, and determination. What a way to go.
I love you, baby. Miss you everyday.
4 comments:
Of course I spent a good thirty seconds trying to find a 'like' button.
You're a rockstar, Jen and you're loved by many. Kurt won. Cancer lost. One more past the gates and into the promised land.
A year's just a number - his memory and your strength aren't bound by an arbitrary calendar.
Proud to be your friend.
Beautiful Jennifer! I think you found just the right words. Seeing the pictures and hearing his voice again in those videos fills us with so much joy. While they certainly remind us how much we still miss him, they also seal him in our hearts and impress upon us how priviledged we are to have known him.
hum
Jen-
You dont know me, but I know Kim.
I am going to be speaking at a seminar on grief. I would love to talk to you or email you if you have a moment. My subject to talk on is Moving past the grief. I would love to hear your thoughts and processes.
If you would be willing to talk, you can reach me at:
leslie@nwwishes.org
509 747 1418
thank you for sharing your blog. I followed it as you all stood so strong together....
best wishes,
leslie
I still think of Kurt often in the context of the engine he designed. I will always respect his ingenuity and intelligence.
Mike
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