Back in the saddle

The benadryl's worn off and I'm back in coherent land now. Margaret started the oxaliplatin at about noon, so I'm on track to be out of here around 6-ish. Suhweet!!

Dr. Donehower stopped by this morning while I was in lala land, so we didn't talk too long. We have a CT scan next week and we'll have a more substantive meeting with him then. He did say that the other tumor marker, CA19-9, has come down from over 100 to 51.4 today, which is more good news. He said that he usually doesn't have expectactions going into a CT scan, but that he's looking forward to seeing the scan next week, given that I'm feeling really well and that the tumor markers are coming down. My liver numbers overall were up quite a bit from last week, though, so I'm tempering my expectations a bit. It's probably mostly because I felt a little burned from the last scan when I started expecting that there would be some good reductions evident and there weren't many. So yeah, it's a coping mechanism. Plan for the worst but hope for the best. That's been my mantra going into all these scans, save for the last one.

Today though, I'm reminded at just how blessed we've been throughout this process. There's some folks in here that are in pretty rough shape. Through all of this I haven't been hospitalized overnight, or even given anything more than antibiotics for the colds I got. It could, and usually is, so much worse for people going through this process. I give 100% of the credit to God and his healing promises. I've been working through James Earl Jones reads the New Testament on my ipod on my drive to work. I also put it on while I'm cashed out and resting on treatment days. It's tremendously reassuring to listen to what the Lord has to say about healing, and about how powerful prayer and faith are to the process.

I'm also amazed at the attitudes some of the patients here have. I talked to a woman yesterday that I hadn't seen in a while (yeah, I'm making friends up here in the c-ward) when I was waiting for my blood work. She was talking about how she was near the end and getting ready to die. She's in her 50s, with a family at home. I don't understand how and/or why people can give up during this process. I don't fear death at this point, but I'm damn sure not ever going to give up anytime soon. I have too much left here to even contemplate it. Yeah, there are going to be rough times and bad days, but I absolutely know that God hasn't planned for me to die from this evil disease. I find that I get really angry around these defeatists and that I want to slap them and tell them that their attitude is bullshit. Don't give me this "savor every day" crap, wake up and fight. Seize the day. Even if the only seizing is a walk down the block or a new guitar hero high score, do it. Take the best meds, eat the best food, take the best supplements, and just kick the hell out of this evil that is trying to overtake your body. I've just flat decided that I'm not going to die from this disease. I don't give a shit what any doctor or study says, I am going to beat this evil shit completely, no matter how long it takes or how hard it gets.

That's the tip of the iceberg for the anger I have... It's a problem for me that I need to let it out in small doses, rather than in big ones. I've got my softball bat in the car still from last season, and there's been several times I had to calm down and resist the urge to destroy some idiot's car, or even face with it. I'm finding that as I let it out in small bits, those thoughts start to calm down and go away. I've always had a bit of a temper, and Jen can tell you that it's starting to get a lot bigger the more I don't deal with the anger. So that's why you get treated to a little rant here today! :-)

Thanks again for all your well wishes and prayers!!