This might get messy so hang on...
It's 12:30, I got about 3 hours of sleep last night, and I'm not even a little bit tired. I found out this morning that one of my fellow fighters has passed away. He was 38, leaving behind his wife and three kids. I never met him, but we met his wife at the liver symposium in Chicago earlier this spring. In addition to Jason's passing, there's another fighter, whose daughter I met on facebook, that has been moved into hospice. Both these guys have me wondering why...
In the past couple weeks I've had some real spiritual breakthroughs, and I believe now more than ever that I AM healed, and that the Lord will complete this healing in his time according to his plan. What I can't figure out is why everyone with this evil disease doesn't receive this same promise. One of Jen's cousins has a 3-year old daughter who's fighting her own fight. I lost one of my best friends in college to a rare type of this crap. Another of my best friends just made his 5-year survival date from a brain tumor. I hate this disease with a passion. This crap is just evil, and it can make me irrationally mad sometimes. I've found that I really have to fight against the anger nearly every minute of every day.
I'm really struggling to make some sense as to why everyone doesn't receive healing in the same way I know that I am. I know that I probably won't know the answer to this one until I meet my Maker (and I'm going to have to wait quite a while!) but the question still vexes me. I just can't make any sense out of it, and I struggle with this, especially on a day and night like this. I know that everyone has their own path, and that my path is obviously different from Jason's, Mr. Goldman's, and Reichle's, but why?
I know that this question is one that doesn't have an answer in this realm, and that obsessing over it can be very dangerous. I don't spend much time worrying about it either. Every once in a while though, there's a day and night like today and tonight, and this is one of the mental/spiritual battles that makes up this war, which is why I've spent some time here sharing this with you all.
I got the chance to make a quick trip out to Colorado last week, and it was just what the doctor ordered. I'm amazed at how much it lifted my spirits to see some mountains and open country! I'm getting ready to get a whole lot more of it too!
I've worked it out with my employer to take a leave of absence for most of the month of August. I'm going to drive back home and I'll get to play farmer for a few weeks during harvest. During that time I'll get a few weeks off from the chemo, which will be nice! I've been looking forward to this for months, and I'm already starting to get a bit of short-timer's syndrome at work.
On the treatment front, we're still waiting to hear from the doctors at the University of Maryland on the SIR-spheres treatment. We're meeting with our oncologist at Hopkins tomorrow, and the UMD Dr's assistant promised me that she'd tail him tomorrow morning until he gave me a call. We'd really like to know what they have to say before we meet with Dr. Donehower, but we're not holding our breath. This is quickly becoming a lesson in patience and waiting for God to reveal his plan. As you all know, neither Jen or I are known for our patience, so this really does become a personal growth lesson!
Well it's about 1:15 now, and I'm going to have to hit the medicine cabinet to get some sleep tonight... Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and prayers! They sustain and energize us more than you probably realize!
5 comments:
While I certainly can't address all of this, I can address one of thing: Why you? - because you can handle it. Its that simple. Why it happens to anybody, ever? - that's a little tougher.
Either way, have an awesome time in MT. There are very few things I would rather do than harvest wheat in MT. Or go to the lake, which I bet you'll do too.
BMR.
Kurt,
We have been lurking in the background, reading your messages since the begining. This is Pat and Hap Johnson, we are friends of Chan and Vic from before we were married, so you two are almost like our own grandchildren, even though we don't keep in touch. This last posting of yours has prompted me to reply. Only in total support of your quest for all the answers. We are so proud of you in every way. There are more and more success stories all the time. It is so terrific that yours is one of them. We will continue to pray for continued success.
Pat and Hap Jphnson
My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Hosea 4:6
Kurt, so many times I have asked this question, in so many avenues of life. The above verse jumped out of my spirit when I read your blog.
And I leave you with this:
Jesus said, "My words are spirit and they are life."
So much love coming your way from your favorite aunt Karla.
Kurt, Jennifer: I've been keeping up with your blog, but felt that I would be banished based on my thoughts regarding Barry... However, need to tell you that 1)Both of you have strength that I wish I could mirror.. The path that has been chosen for you includes your ability to show the rest of us what can and will be done. 2)the voice of experience says that the support group that is behind you will double what you are putting into this fight. You will get through this..
Our experiences are very different, but I understand the late nights, the middle of the nights and the questions that only the ceiling in the bedroom seems to be able to answer. We may never know why we were picked to deal with this illness, but I do know that lots of folks have your back.
Tom King
Kurt, my dear. You and Jen have both said that according to Deut. 30;19, you have CHOSEN LIFE!!!!! &&&& .......that you and your descendants may live -- You are well, so you can produce a great grandchild for me (& others). God said it and you said it, my friend. Kurt, you are believing GOD and HIS WORD more than what others say, more than what things look like, and etc. I'm very proud of you -- you are a good learner! As G'pa great would say "you are dadburned determined to be completely healed." I want to invite you to come to my house while you're in MT, so I (we) can anoint you with oil - James 5:10-16 So, get your "expecters" on and be ready to believe the WORD!!! HOPE is GOOD! Remember, "IF GOD SAID IT< I BELIEVE IT" & IT IS TRUE!!! Remember to Just beiieve -- It's sad that some do not know the Word, but you have no excuse -- you MUST ACT ON THE WORD THAT YOU KNOW!! Several of us are BELIEVING with you"! In HOSEA, it says that people perish for a lack of knowledge. We can't make someone believe, but we can share and I believe that you can & do want to do that -- that may be your lot in life!! Kurt the LORD says in Matt. 6:33 -- Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS> then all these things will be added --first, first -- I believe that you have and are seeking God and His Answers, and HE WILL honor that! He says "if you call on my Name, I will HEAR & Answer!" Several in my family have been anointed with oil and believe in it wholeheartedly. I know my Dad, (your G'pa Great) the last time he was anointed was in the early 90's, and he went on to live to the ripe old age of 97 years. Let's go for 97, OK? It's so exciting to look for and see what God is going to do. I'm so excited for you. Those good old verses are so wonderful -- Proverbs 3: 1-8 . v. 8 says the WORD will be HEALTH to your navel (your body)& MARROW to your bones ( strength)!!! YEA & AMEN!!
Keep believing for what you want; Get it in your heart and out your Mouth! It works, Kurt, It works!1
Looking forward to seeing you soon!! Call me anytime if you want to talk! LOVE & PRAYERS!!
G'ma D
P.S.Kurt, when I first read your blog today, I had an emotional moment and thought (Oh, MY GOSH!!) Negative, negative, but caught myself and the FIGHT and the TRUTH of the WORD Overcame those thoughts. WE OVERCOME BY THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB!!! DOn't forgot that JESUS BORE ALL THE PAIN< ETC> SO WE WON'T HAVE TO!!! By His stripes we are healed! One thing more -- Pray that Jesus will reveal HIS revelation Knowledge to you, each time you call on HIM. That you will think the right thoughts and PRAY rhe most useful prayers. You named this Blog Posting "WAGING WAR". At the time, I wondered if you really knew all that means. But IT IS WAR; the fight goes on until we are satisfied. Hallelujah & AMEN!
If you were here, Kurt, we would do a little Halllujah Dance. Oh, Well, I can dance by myself.!!! I'll dedicate it to you!
Cheerio -- Love, G'ma Juanita D
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